• Infertility emotions
What is more painful, not having a child or the constant fear of not having ever?

One way to be miserable and confused is to conjure up a long-term need: “I may be okay right now, but I’ll need a husband (or a baby in your case ed. ) by next year”.
Another way is to believe thoughts that object to the present moment. The two have a lot in common. In both cases you’re living in thoughts that separate you from what is; you’re arguing with reality instead of enjoying or simply dealing with it.  Page 183 I need your love, is that true? Byron Katie

I need a child. Is that true? lern to let go – An imaginary facilitation with Byron Katie

I still clearly remember it was scary to investigate that thought. I was really  not sure if I was ready to go there. That thought became my goddess I worshiped for so many years. It felt questioning that thought would put in question everything, my whole life. And it feelt like that if I would not need a child any more than I called a bad curse upon myself and I will not have a child ever. As God would punish me of thinking that thought. On the other hand I wanted to learn let go. I heard it everywhere, “Just stop it wanting so much and it will happen.”

So here it is my imaginary facilitation with Byron Katie. Imaginary, because it actually never took place with her in person. I have been on numerous of her life events and listened to thousands of hours of her facilitation online, so I already hear her voice in my head.

BK: You need a child is that true?

Me:Yes.

BK: Can you absolutely know that it is true?

Me: I feel that way, but no I cannot know absolutely that that is what I need.

BK: And how do you react, what happens when you believe that thought that you need a child and you do not have one?

Me: My live feels empty. Purposeless. It feels sad. I am desperate.

BK: Can you see a reason to keep that story that you need a child, that is not painful?

Me: Yes. If I did not want a child people would think I am selfish.

BK: Oh, really? I would so question that thought. So if you drop the story that you need a child people will think that you are selfish. Can you really know that it is true?

Me: No. I cannot know what they think.

BK: So where is it that YOU think that you are selfish if you drop the story that you need a child?

Me: Oh gosh, it is so much truer. If I catch myself not thinking of a child a day long, I have bad consciousness of not wanting it enough. Or if I am without worries, just happy, afterward I approach myself and tell myself that I cannot be really happy because I do not have a child yet. I always heard from my family that women who don’t want children are selfish and then I believed it myself.

BK: And how does that feel like living your life that way?

Me: It feels sad, awful.

BK: Who would you be without the story, that you need a child, if you never could think that again? Just go within and contemplate.

Me: I would be a woman who I was just before I had the thought “it (the pregnancy) is not going to happen to me”. I would be happy, alive.

BK: And you would go to your endocrinologist in peace. You would receive the results of your bloodtest without experiencing a horror. You would experience pour joy when meeting friends with little children.

Me: Yes, I can see that.

BK: So turn the thought “I need a child” around.

Me: I do not need a child.

BK: Yes, just to loosen the grips of a fearful believe. So give me three genuine examples how it could be true.

Me: I do not need a child when I am at work. I do not need to worry if she is taken care of. If I can pick her up at time etc.
I do not need a child when I take a shower. I can take my time.
I do not need a child when I am sleeping at night. I like not to be waken up.

BK: Yes, just feel these examples. This is what others call “letting go”. And observe if the mind tries to take away this opening by preaching you that these examples are silly compared to the desire of having a child.

Do you see another turnaround?

Me: A child needs me.
Oh yes, it is much truer. There are so many children waiting for adoption, waiting for a loving family. And I am so self-absorbed with my pain, that I do not see it.

BK: It is normal. How could you see it if it is only “I” and “my pain” what you can deal with? It takes all your focus. Another example of how a child needs you?

Me: There are so many civic initiatives which help children and need support from the society, from me. And my unborn child needs me, to keep me in good mental and physical health. I am so much absorbed by my frenetic pursuit for a child that I loose connection with that deep inner desire to bring forth life.

BK: Yes honey. Do you find another turnaround?

Me: I need me?

BK: Yes.

Me: I need me to survive this childlessness. I need me to focus on what I have already, to appreciate my live. To love what is. I need me to focus on the present moment, to feel and cultivate that peace inside.

Thank you Katie.

BK: Thank you precious. You are a miracle.

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